You Might Be An Ugly Mom If ...

Some of you might be eligible for membership and not even know it. So we're going to out you. It's for your own good. Therefore, you might be an Ugly Mom if ...

... Your kids know you're ugly, and they tell you so.

... You wear granny panties.

... Your husband trashed your favorite outfit: purple sweatshirt, green pants, red socks.

... Your Signature Look has evolved from the aforementioned favorite outfit.

... You're still wearing maternity clothes until your "real" clothes fit again, and you haven't been pregnant for five years.

... Your husband has ever handed you a brush and asked if you want to brush your hair.

... The only thing at Victoria's Secret that fits is the perfume.

... Nobody notices your pants have been inside-out all day long. Or they think you meant to wear them that way. Either way, it's all good.

... In a play about your family that your kids put on, you are portrayed as the Evil Stepmother. (And you are not a stepmother.)

... Your very best bra is older than your children, and held together by multiple extenders. Not that you wear it anyway.

... You've accepted the fact that your long skinny boobs practically hang out of the bottom of your shirt.

... Last year's briefs are this year's thongs.

... You use baby powder in your hair because washing it takes too much time and effort.

... You have Back Boobs.

... Your kid asks you if your belly is ever going to "puff back in."

... You sometimes secretly believe your children were put on this earth to torture you. And you probably deserve it.

... You have bed head at 4:30 in the afternoon.

... Your kids know they can't repeat half of what comes out of your mouth.

... The consignment shop refuses to attempt to sell your clothes.

... There's more trash in your van than in the municipal garbage trucks. Sometimes seagulls circle overhead.

... You really don't care what Tommy's mom lets him do because he doesn't live here (Amen!) and you are not his mother (she's obviously not an Ugly Mom).

... Your pleated pants fit at your natural waist and have peg legs.

... You're plotting revenge against Mother Nature and whatever jerk invented Snow Days.

... You shave your legs annually, whether they need it or not.

... You've told your child you don't have time for him learn to use the potty right now so put on this diaper and get on with it already.

... You know all the names of the WalMart greeters and have a favorite. And you're pretty sure you're his favorite customer.

... Almost all of your blogs contain the words "WalMart" or "bra."

... Your neighbors know they cannot just "pop in" to your house because a) your house is probably a disaster, b) you probably haven't brushed your teeth or showered, or c) both.

... You'd let your kids starve before cooking alternatives, despite their watering eyes as they gag down your culinary disasters. You don't care how gross dinner is: you do not run a smorgasbord, there are no options, and there are starving kids somewhere who would appreciate this crap. So eat.

... People think you're sick when you don't wear makeup.

... Other people's kids are afraid of you.

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There you have it ladies. This is certainly not an exhaustive list, and you do not have to have experienced all of them to qualify. But if this list helps you embrace your Inner Ugly, then we have done our good deed for the day and will sleep well tonight ... in tomorrow's clothes.